What Not to Say to a Cancer Patient

Cancer patients and survivors deal with many comments made by people with good intentions, but they are often quite hurtful or insensitive. Sometimes these comments are due to the person’s own discomfort and lack of knowing the right thing to say. I understand that.

However, as the receiver of many comments that I would rather not have heard, I have decided to put together the following list of things not to sat to a cancer patient./survivor

§ “Everything will be ok”

(Similar to “don’t stress about it”, “I’m sure the tests will be fine” etc)

You don’t have any way of knowing this so it’s best not to say it. It almost dismisses the reality of facing death.

§ “At least they caught it early”

While this is often a good thing in terms of prognosis, like the above comment this trivialises the serious of having cancer and that no matter how far it has progressed, it is still a deadly disease.

§ “Stay Positive” or “At least you’re being positive”

People regularly told me about all the studies they had read about how a positive attitude helped someone survive cancer. I don’t doubt that being positive is helpful, but it’s not always possible. Therefore, no-one should ever tell us to stay positive. We have cancer, we will not be positive all the time. We are upset, angry, anxious, scared, tired, panicked, in denial etc. We have a right to feel all these things and not always feel positive, without people making us feel like we’re jeopordising our chances of recovery.

§ “Great, your chemo is over. You must feel wonderful”

I think the reality is that it’s quite scary when your treatment is over. While you’re being treated you feel ‘safe’. When it’s over its like you’re on your own, and in some sense it’s like you’re just waiting for the cancer to come back.

Additionally, for a long time after treatment you feel like crap. There are a huge amount of lingering effects (physical and emotional) that don’t go away when the chemo does.

§ “I’m having such a bad hair day”

(“At least you look good bald” or basically any comment about hair!)

This is a very sensitive topic for many cancer patients, particularly women. Hearing other people whinge about their hair being dry or frizzy or not liking the new colour they got is heart-breaking. I hated losing my long hair and felt so ugly and unfeminine without hair. I would have done anything to keep my hair, no matter how dry or frizzy it was. Someone making comments such as these is just plain insensitive.

§ “If there’s anything I can do…”

Don’t ever offer your help or support unless you have every intention of doing something if you’re asked. The reality is that this is just something that comes to people’s minds as the right thing to say. Don’t say it unless you intend to keep your word. Even if they don’t ask for help, think of something and do it. Send flowers, mow their lawn, bring them dinner. Anything that makes them feel loved and will ease the burden for them.

§ “It’s just a bump in the road, you’ll get through it”

I can swerve and avoid a bump in the road, I couldn’t avoid my lymphoma. The living hell that is cancer and its treatment, is much larger than a bump in the road.

§ Don’t talk about someone you know that died of cancer. Don’t talk about death at all.

§ Don’t talk about the alternative medicine you heard of through a friend of a friend that knows someone who beat cancer without treatment. Don’t tell me I got cancer from drinking tap water, or because human’s shouldn’t drink cows milk. It doesn’t help.

§ Last but probably most important, don’t ignore them.

Don’t avoid me at social gatherings because you don’t know what to say, don’t pretend you didn’t see me, don’t stop calling me because it’s awkward. Imagine how tough it is for me and you’re worried about it being uncomfortable. This makes me really quite angry, but even more so it’s incredibly disappointing. Just ask how I’m going.