Hair today, gone tomorrow

So, it’s happened…hair loss. Well sort of. It started on Thursday. Was there more than the usual moulting on the hair brush I wondered? No, I’m just being paranoid. Then Friday there was definitely clumps coming out as I brushed it, then throughout the day every time I touched my hair I’d get small clumps on my fingers. Saturday morning I washed my hair and got a HUGE fist fall of hair. I surprised myself by bursting into tears. You see I’d thought I was ready for this and I thought I was fine with it. Obviously I’m not as fine as I thought! I’ve been waiting for it to happen since day one. Hair loss was the only side effect my oncologist said was inevitable. But, as I’ve learnt so many times in the last few months, being prepared for something doesn’t make it any easier. So after spending the day yesterday having quite large chunks of hair falling out, I decided I had to do something. So much hair had fallen out over the last few days, yet there was still no visual damage so I could have left it as it was. I have read that a lot of people’s hair only thins and they never actually lose it all, but I couldn’t bear the thought of my hair being so fragile for the next few months. Brushing it gently and tying it back loosely so there’s no tension on the roots, and constantly asking those around me “are you sure it’s not noticeable?”. So this morning (Sunday) when I woke up with hair on my pillow, in my mouth and in my eyes I decided to just shave it off. My two best friends came over and we decided to cut it a few different ways first to see what other styles suited me! First we cut it shoulder length, then a shaggy just below the ears style, then short and spiky. Then all of a sudden the fun was over and it had to be shaved. This was very confronting and made the whole cancer thing seem a lot more real. I shed a lot of tears, but now a few hours later I think I’m ok with it. To tell you the truth I’ve never liked my hair and have on many bad hair days exclaimed that “I should just shave it all off”. I have this wavy, curly, frizzy hair that either needs to be straightened or packed with product and styled carefully to make the curls sit properly. Most of the time I can be bothered doing neither of these things, so it ends up tied back in a ponytail. I’m going tomorrow to buy a wig, but I’m unsure yet how often I’ll wear it. I’ve been to look at wigs already and have decided on a fairly short, synthetic wig. I was originally thinking I’d get a human hair wig, but I found out they’re heavy and hot to wear and worst of all you have to wash and style them. As part of the whole ‘look on the bright side’ thing, at the moment I’m stoked about not spending any of my time on my hair! The thought of my wig in the sink looking like a drowned rat is not appealing at all! So right now I’m wondering which celebrity to compare myself to. Am I glamourous like Natalie Portman, tough like Demi Moore in GI Jane or a wacko like Britney Spears? I feel like singing ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ or seeing if I can swim really fast! Overall I think so far this has been the hardest part. I didn’t think it would be so bad. I have to remind myself that it’s happening in order to make me better. If it meant I’d beat this thing I’d chop my arms off, so temporarily losing my hair is nothing. Now that it’s gone I can look forward to the elation and excitement I will feel when it starts growing back.